Last night I’d asked Justin to tuck me into bed after I used the washroom. It’s a cute little ritual we started years ago when one person is going to bed without the other. Not like I wasn’t expecting it, but he fell asleep between me saying I was going to use the washroom and the time I’d finished. I came down, kissed him on the forehead and went back up to bed. A little angry because he’d fallen asleep on me but none the less tired.
This morning however, when I came downstairs I was still angry. I wasn’t angry until I saw the he was still sleeping in the couch downstairs. He even said good morning and my first reaction was “Yeah right.” Then I immediately got more upset because it wasn’t the reaction I wanted to give but it was already out. He asked me how I was and I didn’t answer. I felt angry at him that he didn’t know what he’d done. Not that he’d really done anything since I could have easily woke him up to tuck me in.
Now it’s got me thinking this morning of should I really be with him still. When I wake up, I’m not excited or anything to see him. Sometimes it’s nice to see him there by mostly I just get up and go. When I come home it’s the same thing I’m usually upset from the day and angry as I walk in the door. Then I see him and I just want to get away. Not necessarily away from him but away from anyone. I don’t like being angry or frustrated around people because I normally tend to take it out on the people around me that way if I isolate myself, I can’t hurt anyone. The only thing is, when I’m upset, his first reaction is to yet to make me feel better.
I don’t deserve him.
I don’t know what to do… I love him, but I wonder often if this is it for me. I’m comfortable in this relationship but is that enough? And most importantly, is it fair to him to stay?
It’s got me in tears this morning, the fact that I upset him first thing this morning and how I left the house still feeling upset at him for something that he didn’t really do.
Am I a horrible person? Am I? I’ve ne’er been sure about myself a day in my life and it’s starting to take it’s toll…
