Come New Years Eve I kind of had an epiphany. I just realized that I’m almost 28 years old, not married and without children.

For the longest time, I would say that I didn’t want children. They were annoying, they took up too much time, or were just a chore.

Now, after being with my boyfriend for the last 4 years, I want to get married and I want children. I’ve also been doing some research online and the chance of birth defects and other complications regarding pregnancy start happening after the age of 28.

I want to talk to my boyfriend seriously about it as I’d like to make out a rough 5 year family plan. In the next three years, I’d like to get married, and within the next 5 I’d like to have children.

It’s driving me crazy to think about but at the same time, I realize that I still have lots of time. I know that he wants to marry me, he said that’s his plan. We haven’t really discussed seriously if we want children but over the last few years, I’ve decided that I want at least one.

One of my resolutions this year is to be more open and honest with him and where I stand. I want to make sure that he’s a part of my plans, just as much as I am.

I love him, and want to marry him in the next few years. Here’s hoping he feels the same!

Wish us luck!

This morning however, when I came downstairs I was still angry. I wasn’t angry until I saw the he was still sleeping in the couch downstairs. He even said good morning and my first reaction was “Yeah right.” Then I immediately got more upset because it wasn’t the reaction I wanted to give but it was already out. He asked me how I was and I didn’t answer. I felt angry at him that he didn’t know what he’d done. Not that he’d really done anything since I could have easily woke him up to tuck me in.

Now it’s got me thinking this morning of should I really be with him still. When I wake up, I’m not excited or anything to see him. Sometimes it’s nice to see him there by mostly I just get up and go. When I come home it’s the same thing I’m usually upset from the day and angry as I walk in the door. Then I see him and I just want to get away. Not necessarily away from him but away from anyone. I don’t like being angry or frustrated around people because I normally tend to take it out on the people around me that way if I isolate myself, I can’t hurt anyone. The only thing is, when I’m upset, his first reaction is to yet to make me feel better.

I don’t deserve him.

I don’t know what to do… I love him, but I wonder often if this is it for me. I’m comfortable in this relationship but is that enough? And most importantly, is it fair to him to stay?

It’s got me in tears this morning, the fact that I upset him first thing this morning and how I left the house still feeling upset at him for something that he didn’t really do.

Am I a horrible person? Am I? I’ve ne’er been sure about myself a day in my life and it’s starting to take it’s toll…

As a gift I bought Justin a polo shirt from Thomas Pink. Usually when I buy clothing for Justin, he doesn’t like it. I’m pretty confident that this shirt, coming from the high-end store which he’s purchased from before, he is going to like. The shirt itself was 25.00GBP so it came out to be about $55.00CAD and then there was another like $40.00 CAD shipping on top of that. People have been telling me that 1 year anniversary

After he continued to say he “doesn’t go by my watch but his, and he’s on time.” I told him I was done and he continues to call me out on the bus while not leaving the station like he said he had to. I told him if that’s the case you’re now wasting everyone’s time by not driving out of the station. Instead of being civil and respectful to his customers and patrons, he decided to start a confrontation instead. They charge us $3 per ride, transfers are not valid both ways and they’ve taken the idea of an LRT away from Finch Ave but will send 3 and 4 busses back to back instead of sending them as per schedule.

We were told last week that there would be a meeting to discuss the past year (I’ve only been there like 5 months now) and Mark, the President and CEO was going to announce who from the staff had been nominated for the Genumarkable award, basically, MVPs from the staff.

When all the nominees names were read and everyone was congratulated, he said thank you to each and every person and handed each of us a “Luxury Velura Robes” from Kanata blanket in B.C. Inside of every robe bag was also a personally handwritten holiday card from Mark thanking me for my hard work and positive attitude.

I’ve never had this kind of treatment from any other company I’ve ever worked for. Mark, as an owner of an international, multimillion dollar company took the time to write each and every employee a holiday card to thank them for their hard work. He even comes around during the day sometimes and will ask how things are going, not just with the work we’re doing but how WE are doing. He even sticks around to listen after asking the question! I don’t know how many times I’ve had people ask how I am and then walk away before getting the answer.

Genumark is among the Top 50 Best Employeers and companies to work for and is also Top Distributor for the 8th year in a row. I’m starting to see why! As much stress as I go through on a daily basis, I always know that I am personally appreciate by those around me.

They pay me well, they give me free stuff all the time, they appreciate me. What else could I really ask for?

We were told last week that there would be a meeting to discuss the past year (I’ve only been there like 5 months now) and Mark, the President and CEO was going to announce who from the staff had been nominated for the Genumarkable award, basically, MVPs from the staff.

When all the nominees names were read and everyone was congratulated, he said thank you to each and every person and handed each of us a “Luxury Velura Robes” from Kanata blanket in B.C. Inside of every robe bag was also a personally handwritten holiday card from Mark thanking me for my hard work and positive attitude.

I’ve never had this kind of treatment from any other company I’ve ever worked for. Mark, as an owner of an international, multimillion dollar company took the time to write each and every employee a holiday card to thank them for their hard work. He even comes around during the day sometimes and will ask how things are going, not just with the work we’re doing but how WE are doing. He even sticks around to listen after asking the question! I don’t know how many times I’ve had people ask how I am and then walk away before getting the answer.

Genumark is among the Top 50 Best Employeers and companies to work for and is also Top Distributor for the 8th year in a row. I’m starting to see why! As much stress as I go through on a daily basis, I always know that I am personally appreciate by those around me.

They pay me well, they give me free stuff all the time, they appreciate me. What else could I really ask for?

I told him I would pay for all the initial tests and such because she’s over 5 years and technically “geriatric.” This only means that they have to perform a whole bunch of tests and blood work to make sure she’ll come to after the anesthesia.

We actually took her in to the vet in October and can I tell you it’s been fantastic! Since the day she came home there has been no pee anywhere. She’s stopped crying in the middle of the night so l actually get sleep at night. (Speaking of sleep, my mother’s gift to us, our new king size bed just arrived today and it is super fantastically better than the double we used to share.)

So on that note, it’s been so much better between him and I. He said I’m the first woman he’s cared about enough to do that for as other of his girlfriends before me have had the same problems.

The cat’s happier, we’re happier, and I can finally get some sleep!

Good Night!

I moved in with Justin in February and it was going well. He told me that he loved me not too long before that and it was the best day of my life.

It’s mid May now and the problems are surfacing, especially now that I’m trying my hardest not to keep anything from him, not matter what it is.

Recently it’s been his cat Munchie that’s causing the problems. Maybe I should give some back story before I start with the problems.

Justin got his cat Munchie about 6 years ago, rather he rescued his cat 6 years ago from a man who was NOT taking care of his kitten. For a year there was a time when he wasn’t working and every night and day was spent with the cat. The cat has become so attached to him that if he even goes out of her sight, she’ll start to cry. Meowing her head off until he’s in sight again.

Unfortunately for all three of us, she is still not spayed as he hasn’t had enough funds to do it. (Until hopefully this September when there may come an opportunity.) She also cries a lot because she is not spayed and is doing the whole mating call thing. She also rolls all over the ground and “presents” herself to anyone that will come near her or her behind.

All these things I can understand and am trying to cope with. I know these things are neither of their faults and, for now, they cannot be helped.

Granted I have a cat back home, staying with my mother. Her and my boyfriend’s cat are like night and day. What I can’t stand is ANY ANIMAL sleeping in the same place I do. Lately Justin has been keeping her out of the room because he knows how hard it is for me to sleep with her sleeping on his chest at night. It’s like the sound of a clock except unsteady and right next to your head. Unfortunately I cannot sleep as deeply as he can and this keeps me up, for hours on end.

Not too long ago, I also asked him if he could, anytime he cleans the litter box to immediately take the litter out of the apartment and send it down the garbage shoot. Our garbage bin is quite large and only gets emptied maybe once every week or week and a half. The garbage used to smell so badly even when it was closed, I was embarassed to have anyone over.

Oblidgingly, Justin complied and now takes the litter out of the apartment.

I also asked that the cat not be allowed on the dining room table as we were having dinner one night and she decided to jump up and see what it was that we were eating. I said “enough!” and asked that from now on she not be allowed to sit, lay, sleep, or anything on that table.

Oblidgingly, Justin now gets her down off the kitchen table whenever he sees her there.

For a while she was making a “nest” on my nice, dark, wooden, computer table, covernig it in a nice blanket of fur and dandruff. I was absolutely against this as it was MY desk and I didn’t want her on there, but I compromised and said she could stay since I’d already taken away the kitchen table she was used to.

Now I’ve asked that she not be allowed on the bed. I woke up this morning to use the washroom, and went back into the room, which I had mistakenly left open, there she was, in the exact spot I had been sleeping in. Her head was even on my pillow! My pillow! I wanted to go back to bed to get in a little more sleep before I had to get ready for work and I couldn’t. I know (and I’ve done it a few times before) that if I move her from that spot, she’ll leave the room in protest and sit outside and meow until she either gets tired or someone comes out and joins her.

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to ask that the cat not be allowed in the bed. Any time I leave clothes on the bed, especially after I finish washing them all and have piled them there as I put them away, she’ll without a doubt come in and lay on all of them. If we’re sleeping and the door’s open, she’ll come in and sleep in the middle of his chest and either meow or purr incessantly. Unfortunately for me, I just can’t sleep like that. I’m a very light sleeper and have mild sleep apnea with already wakes me up at night sometimes.

Justin thinks I’m making up too many rules for the cat, that it seems like I’m out to get her. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get along with the cat. I pet her, I feed her, I give her treats, and I don’t know what else to do.

I’ve offered to even leave the cat be and sleep in our second bedroom alone, but Justin says that I’m going to the extreme when I don’t have to. I’m not sure how to help him to see how much of a stress this cat has been for me.

The crying for hours starting at around 3:30 – 4:30 am, especially when I have to work the next day at a job I kind of hate.

The constant fur on EVERYTHING. Regardless if it’s just washed or has been used, everything has cat fur on it.

She scratches at all wooden furniture. His antique chairs have valleys from claw marks in them. This irritates me because she ALREADY HAS A SCRATCHING POST!

She’s peed on numerous personal posession of mine including recently a bath mat that I had pulled out to wash and use.

I love my boyfriend, and he loves it cat and I, now, hate his cat. I can’t stand looking at it. As soon as I come home, I’m immediately angered as she’s always there waiting to rub up on me and anything on me that doesn’t have fur on it.

I get that she’s attached to him. His former roommate also used to have a cat and so his cat Munchie had Cypher to play with and keep occupied. Now she has no other companion for herself other than Justin and it’s ruining my life, litereally. I don’t want to leave him over his cat but I don’t know how much longer I can go without a good night’s sleep.

We’ve been struggling with this for the past 3 months.

If anyone has any advice for me, please comment. I’d really appreciate it.

D

This year Justin came with me to my mother’s house and we stayed there from the 24th to the 25th. It was the first time I had brought a boyfriend over to stay for the Christmas. We had gone there for Thanksgiving back in October but this was something else.

My mom likes Justin enough. She says anyone who makes me happy she likes, which is biased but still sweet all the same.  We went over for Christmas Eve at around 7pm. My mom greeted us at the door, giving us both kisses as we walked in. She’s really made him feel like part of the family already. We went out to get some Chinese food as that was the only thing that was open and we were really hungry, not having eaten anything all day.  We ate our Chinese food and then hunkered down for a movie with my mother. We sat on the large three-seater while my mom took the loveseat. I curled up into Justin, resting my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around me and stroked my forearm with his fingers.

I didn’t notice, but apparently my mother was taking stock of this. Justin said she caught her looking at us warmly which was nice. The man makes me so happy, I’m scared to think of what I would do if I lost him for any reason.

On December 18th, 2008 Justin told me he loved me.

I was freaking out because I didn’t have money for rent and my job had been fucking me around and I was realizing that I did have a problem with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I was trying to explain it to Justin and I just couldn’t find the words to describe what I was feeling and he was getting frustrated becasuse I wasn’t making any sense in what I was saying. He then reminded me again that he had wanted to move in with me and that in itself made me feel better. When I was getting up to go to the computer to look for listings he pulled me back towards him and hugged me. I hugged him back, a little annoyed that he was keeping me from getting to the computer.  I kissed him and tried to get away again but he refeused and held me close.  He kept telling me how cute he thought I was. I was like, “yeah, yeah okay…” trying to get to the computer. He pulled me back one last time and lifted the earflap of my toque.  The he said, “You ready for it? You ready?” I was like,” Ready for what? What are you talking about?” All confused and annoyed. Then he leaned in close to me and whispered in my ear, “I love you.”

I couldn’t help but cry. I had been waiting so long to hear those words and he just delivered them perfectly. I couldn’t have asked for more. Justin is the most amazing man that I have ever been blessed to meet. I want nothing more in the world than to show him even a fraction of the happiness that he’s brought to me.  I don’t know how I existed without him before. He’s such a big part of my life and I couldn’t ask for more in a man.

I even told him how scared I am of losing him, my G.A.D. kicking into overdrive again, but he reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere. The only thing that could happen to make him leave is if, I broke up with him or I broke up with him. He’s such a sweetheart, and anyone trying to say different is going to get to know the back of my hand.

Justin, I love you more than anything. You are my heart and every beat it makes sings your praise. You’re the best thing that ever happed to me.

D

You’re the nicest thing I’ve seen

I wish that we could give it a go

See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl

I wish you thought I was the reason you were in the world

I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile

I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn’t figure me out

But you’d always wanna know, what I was about

I wish you’d hold my hand, when I was upset

I wish you’d never forget

The look on my face, when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot

That you loved secretly, cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see

Basically I wish that you loved me

I wish that you needed me

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three

I wish that without me, your heart would break

Yeah I wish that without me, you’d be spending the rest of your night awake

I wish that without me you couldn’t eat

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that, you’re the nicest thing, I’ve ever seen

And I wish we could see if we could be something

Yeah I wish we could see if we could be something

——————————————————–

This is how I feel right now. I finally said it, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I don’t expect anything from him, I just wish he would let me know more about how he feels. I know he’s not in love with me and that’s perfectly fine, I just wish he would let me know if we could give it a go, you know?

D